Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
then he tried to convert me to islam
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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