were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
