Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
