wakey wakey hands off snakey
my phone needs a breathalizer
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
