you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
