you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
