My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
