I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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