I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I skipped work to stalk him.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
