I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
