im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
