I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
