it's too hot outside to masturbate.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
And then he peed in my hair
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