I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
