He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
