I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i came on her dog
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
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