Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
