You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
