just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
