anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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