Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
