I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm too high and old for this...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
