I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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