I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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