I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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