I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
