I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
