Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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