I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
