Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Randomize
