I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
