I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
