This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
