You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
