listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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