Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
