Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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