Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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