I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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