The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
