Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
