I CAN MOONWALK!
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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