i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
