You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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