i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize