his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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