He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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