I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I have demons in me.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
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