I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
