whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
