i think my tv is drunk
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Randomize