ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Houston, we have a blender
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
