We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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