So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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