my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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