I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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